I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
