Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
