two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
