Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
