I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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