Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
