I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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