did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
