i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
