he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
