Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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