I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
