Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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