For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
