May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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