I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
