I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
