Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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