you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
even my farts smell like vagina
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
