There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
