The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
