My sheets look like a crime scene.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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