cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
