i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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