Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
