I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
