When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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