Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
