You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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