I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
last night I used snow as a chaser
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
