I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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