I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
