i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
