Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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