make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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