I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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