No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
