I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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