you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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