I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
A+ Viking dick
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
