my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
