I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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