I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
