I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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