first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
