I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Randomize
