how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
