My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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