anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
