just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
